Red, White, & Moo With Ewe

Happy 6th of July!

On the 1st of July, I was like, (in my head of course) “hey, you should enter the Farm.ily in the parade”… so I did. Eek. I shared the exciting news with my aunt and uncle, exciting because I also entered them in the parade as helpers! When discussing ideas and a lack of decorative supplies left at the dollar store, my aunt mentioned that if I planned ahead, well ya, for sure. No planning ahead here. Thank goodness for Walmart.com and the 2 headbands they had left and for red and blue temporary hair spray.

American sheep butts drive me nuts

Figuring out the parade roll call was a little rough as there are way more mouths here than I have arms. Luckily my cousin is in town, on leave from the Army, so she was enlisted for any of the more type A animals.

The cousin is a cowgirl 🤠

I was seriously hoping to take the Donks, but when I got them last fall they weren’t exactly halter broke, borderline wild enough to say ah hell nah. Since they’ve come here I pet them and talk to them everyday, but have I put a lot of effort into haltering and leading them? Also no.

Again with the lack of planning… July 2nd we’re out here working with the Donks and it went like this…

Walk this way, please?

We were not deterred! Until… the morning of July 3rd. I caught both Donks, my son offered to lead one, but being the expert I am, I said, “I got this” well where’s Maury Povich, because that was a lie, I did not got that. Those Donks split the sheets between me and a tree and 34 seconds and a brand new crappy nylon lead rope burn later Daddy & Sonny Donk were outta there and I was dropping F bombs. I was able to get them both caught and took them down to the arena for a “supervised by a fence” leading session filled with treats and “atta-boys” so past our minor lapse in communication that occurred earlier I was feeling pretty good about our hopes for walking in a parade and NOT making it an interactive 4th of July parade by screaming out, “catch that donkeeeeeeey!”

However, later that afternoon when my cousin came out to help me take them for a walk down the county road as one lost safety check… this is how the Donks responded to our request:

Leave me alone they said. Please and thank you.

After a lot of running in the hot July sun, my cousin needed a rest stop but me and the Donks powered though until we came to somewhat of a join up. It wasn’t as beautiful and harmonious as I hoped. But I was able to put my hands all over them without them taking off for dodge city again. But they weren’t exactly happy about it either.

When you’re pissed but you’re also smart

Plan B was necessary. Plan B was BoBo. I mentioned the idea of bringing BoBo (my 4 year old longhorn cross) to town for the parade to a couple people and was met with only shocked eyes and not any helpful comments. Thankfully when I texted my cousin she was down and replied, “if we’re going downtown might as well make a scene!” I like it. I do like being a little extra. Safe of course, but still extra.

He’s horny 😉

To be honest. I was a little stressed about subbing BoBo in for the donkeys. If I didn’t take the donkeys I could lead my Blueberry. But that didn’t feel like enough extra. Then, the night before, while hanging out in front of a giant inflatable bounce house, one of my friends sat and chatted with me. She asked if I was bringing BoBo. I laughed. Of course I wasn’t. His horns and the horns. And his horns. For some reason, her request stuck with me and I thought, why not BoBo? So I mentioned it to a few people who were like absolutely not, hell no. So of course I had to ignore that because I know my BoBo and yes he has horns and yes they are stressful to be around… ESPECIALLY in fly season when he’s always waving his head around. But I know my Bo, I know I can lead him home from down the county road with a piece of twine tied around his neck that I found on the ground… I know he’s a good boy. Everyone else should see it too. Plus bringing BoBo seemed like a great way to level up. So I brought him. And it was AMAZONG!! He was so good. Everyone was SO GOOD! My kids were great and all my animals were wonderful. It was such a great experience that I am grateful for.

Good thing he’s not a hotdog 🌭
Happy 4th of July from all of us to ewe!
🇺🇸 American Boy 🇺🇸

So now it’s the 6th of July and we’re still looking pretty patriotic 🇺🇸 Had to do some work today so bath 🛁 day tomorrow!

Constant Chaos

Just like my living room, I tend to re-arrange things in an effort to make sure everyone is in their happy place. The other day the donkeys escaped the pasture for the third time which led me to believe they no longer wanted to be in the pasture… so let’s move them then? Grab the halters? Nah- turn them loose and they’ll know where to go… On this day, Brett had a friend over who happened to ask me if I needed any help… His help worked out well with Daddy & Sonny D but then I thought, since I have the help, let’s move BoBo and Lucky too…

@thefarm.ily

Reply to @d1u_laugh_with but were they? 😏🙃😂 #thefunnyfarmily

♬ Do It To It – ACRAZE

This friend knew just where to be and to stand to help guide the donks into the arena… so I went up and opened the gate for BoBo and decided to be smart and halter Lucky and BoBo would follow us down to the arena. This was a good plan. I do this a lot and it normally works, sometimes it takes 30 minutes, but we get it done. What I did not take into account with the new help was that he might think BoBo was a regular Bovine and will respond as such… and not like a giant, angry, over-protective and super unsocialized 1,200 momma’s boy Chihuahua. Woops. In hind-sight I should have mentioned to the kind helper, “you stand over there and that will be perfect”… instead he went into the pen to shoosh BoBo out of the gate, to which BoBo was offended and per anything less than expected, chaos ensued…

@thefarm.ily

Reply to @markmonk1 stranger danger is high in this one 😳 I’ll have to talk to him about how we talk to new people 😎 #thefunnyfarmily

♬ my own summer by deftones – inactive

Needless to say I was shocked and embarrassed by my teenage bovine’s behavior… Here is a longer visual version of the short story above 🙂

@thefarm.ily

Reply to @roolzschmoolz story time. Also how many times can I say BoBo like it’s going to do something? Don’t answer that 😂#thefunnyfarmily

♬ original sound – The Farm.ily

Long story short, BoBo complied and ran high-tailed into the arena and down to the pasture. I had to go check on the guy, he was so worked up, plus I needed to remind him about his manners/ make sure he hadn’t sold his soul to the devil. When I came down to the hay bale I called his name and BoBo came running, thankfully not to run me over. Glad we’re still friends however I think I will be spending more time working on his stranger danger.

@thefarm.ily

I guess we’ll never know 😏 or will we? Going to start +R on the farm tomorrow, BoBo included. Stay tuned. #thefunnyfarmily

♬ Everybody want to know – chill

Flash forward a few days later… I wake up to find Lucky out…

@thefarm.ily

6* out and Hadn’t even got the kids to school before a cow was out 🤣 #monday #thefunnyfarmily

♬ Helikopter – Fazlija

It was 6 degrees and I had exactly NO minutes to get Lucky in a pen before I needed to take the kids to school so I was quite pleased with myself when Mickie, Dave, and I were able to accomplish this task fairly quickly and with only Mickie loosing 1 front tooth.

I spent the most of this day at my desk, feverishly catching up on grading and such, the day really flew by, so much so I totally forgot the neighbor had 4 of our calves at their place I needed to go get. So after I picked the kids up from school my son and I went to bring them home. This task went really well, too well. As expected, more chaos with cows was planned.

@thefarm.ily

Reply to @d1u_laugh_with yall I cant with how long these voice edits take to make 🤣 Long Version of Monday eve #thefunnyfarmily

♬ original sound – The Farm.ily
Which leads me to my unrealistic Christmas wish list for this year…
@thefarm.ily

Maybe this year livestock, ill keep ya fenced in/out/not in the house, maybe 🤞#thefunnyfarmily #unrealisticchristmaslist

♬ original sound – ✰ Christmas sounds ✰
A girl can dream right?! Happy week before Christmas friends!
Love, Dessa

Old posts, new posts, Blueberry posts

If you’re reading this (peace be with you) you may have noticed some of these posts are quite old… circa 2013, basically one million years ago, with entries of two lines and a picture. Prolific and profound, I know. 😉

When rebooting this blog, I decided to leave the random-ass old entries, because why not. Anyway. On with the show.

Speaking of the show. Blueberry has been the star of the chaos and disorder show here at the Funny Farm.ily lately. He offers endless amounts of tiktok options from destroying his magnificent sheep shed I constructed, jogs down the road, to playing the video version of Sting’s stalker in my life. *These are some of the things I’s appreciates abouts hims. (Letterkenny reference).

Blueberry Demolition Services available. Call for prices.

Blueberry doesn’t know it yet, but he’s going to star as Cam the Ram in my class videos because heck yes I am going to align my personal passions with work when I can.

This was an exceptionally fun morning run with my dog friends and Bloobs. Fun fact I learned from TikTok friends. BaZoings are called popcorns!
Taking my sheep for a jog, pausing for some popcorns
Every breath you take, Blueberry is watching you

So You Want To Marry A Cowboy

I wrote this the day after I got back from making the trek over the mountains to pick the husband up from an unsuccessful thumb replantation surgery. Yep. The thumb did not replant. On our drive home, I said out loud, “I should write a book and call it So you want to marry a cowboy?!” Husband laughed SO HARD. Dead serious, he goes, “you should”. So the next day I cracked open a Word doc and out spewed the story of the lost thumb. If you enjoyed it. I’ve got more.

Let’s start here, shall we?

There are many types of Cowboys: ranchy, punchy, AQHA, fancy, trashy, and my personal favorite, the rodeo cowboy. When selecting your own cowboy, I have personally found that the rodeo cowboys offer a great deal of variety in type and style.

RIP thumb. You were in the way for years 😉

At the heart of a cowboy is a gypsy soul. A cowboy belongs to no one and in general, they seem to not answer to anyone either. I mean, good luck to you if you want to try bossing a cowboy around.

Blog Post 1- ?? I don’t know what I am even doing here

Alright, let’s start with this week’s life changing events. Thursday’s are for the weekly rodeo in Meeker. It is a great time and we all *generally enjoy it. Like all rodeos, it is a family affair, but last Thursday I had a meeting in town so my daughter stayed with me and Cowboy and Cowboy Son went to the rodeo. Cowgirl daughter queen and I would meet them there after the meeting. So just as CDQ and I are pulling up to the meeting space I get a text from a friend… I hadn’t heard from her in a while, so I gave it a gander while I pulled into the parking spot.

The text reads:
“Dude, Brett just lost his thumb”

*Internal monologue – DUCK. And not 🦆.

Physical reaction- For some reason I called her and said, “is that a joke?”. I knew it wasn’t. I married a friggin’ cowboy. Losing fingers isn’t exactly comedy material. So I flipped the biggest bitch and hauled balls to the Fairgrounds.

Side note, Cowboy insists I need a short-bed truck (over a long-bed) for town driving for ease of handling and navigation of parking spots and such… well let me tell you, yachts can turn on a dime when the right pressure is applied at the right time. So ya, I got to the Fairgrounds in a flash, scooped up my son while our friend also hauled her balls of steel to the emergency room. Which leads me to my first tip to being married to a cowboy. Get yourself a pair of steel balls. And let them drop. You will need them. For a medley of reasons.


I’ll start with the physical pain. That’s a fun one, and a fresh topic around here. Significant physical injury is something we are already well-versed in. More on that later. Also, just so you know this is not a linear story. I am not a linear thinker. Hope you don’t mind. Buy if you do mind, then adios bitchachos, this is how I talk, and this is how you’ll read it. If that doesn’t work for you- that’s fine- you are free to move along. However, this is my story and you are not free to be rude to me about any of it. “I hate rude behavior in a man. I won’t tolerate it.” – Woodrow Call. Watch that movie 500 times, if you haven’t already. That is your handbook. Use it, embrace it, and also know, that movie/book isn’t messing around in its depiction of cowboys. Also, did you see what I did there? *Polishes one of previously mentioned steel balls… admires reflection in it’s well used shine. 😉

So you want to marry a cowboy? Just so you know- there could be this-


Yep. That happened. All of which is fairly self-explanatory- Here are the key points:

-Cowboy is a team roper. He is a heeler. A damn good one too.
-Rope coils remove body parts… similar to an auger to a farmer’s arm is a popped coil to a cowboy’s thumb.

Thank you dear friend for getting him to the ER so fast. When I walked in I immediately felt comfort to see so many capable hands tending to him. And to see him smile. A perk to marrying a cowboy. They tend to take this shit all in stride. Aint nobody got time for freaking out so you better not freak out either. (Put all your freak out emotions inside your steel balls- then hit him in the head with them later, but now is not the time).

Now is the time I say, “DUCK” when I first lay eyes on his cowboy hand, sans thumb. Not going to lie. DUCK is about all you can say. Duck. I liked that thumb. I liked that thumb on his hand. Then I felt sad. One look at cowboy and I knew I better not be too sad about it or he will soon be annoyed. Another thing to store in your steel balls. It makes you strong. But damnit, they can be stoic all they want, you can say how you feel, just do it somewhere else where he can’t hear or see you… like in a blog post… that you share on the internet… for the world to see… but really more like 3-4 people, so it’s fine. Right? That’s fine? Hah.

SO YOU WANT TO MARRY A COWBOY was actually his idea. Kinda. A shared concept. Hold on, I’ll explain. Let me back up the narrative by 48 hours. I like bullet points over paragraphs. So here’s the highlight reel.

-Thursday 10pm
COVID-19, what a bitch this virus is. I was allowed to fly on the plane, but I would have been escorted out of the hospital in Denver due to the strict visiting restrictions.
-I stay and get our cowboy kids- we watch our Cowboy fly out of town on a big med jet… sing this song with me now…

Big ol’ jet airliner
Don’t carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol’ jet airliner
‘Cause it’s here that I’ve got to stay – Steve Miller Band

That’s always hard. I hate (and I don’t say hate often) but I hate seeing the ambulances and the flight for life come and go… it brings back bad memories… and here we are again. Fucking cowboys. So you want to marry a cowboy?

Yes, the timeline, ok back to it:
-24 ducking minutes to Denver on a jet… I was impressed when I got there under 4 hours 2 days later…
-Cowboy goes in for surgery around 11pm
-I lay in bed. At a total loss. As there always is, there is a lot more to our story that compounds upon the feelings I felt laying in bed, not able to be at the hospital, waiting to hear how he is, knowing how hard he’s worked to comeback from what happened to him 10 years ago…so many thoughts it simply was too much to process especially when you know it could have been worse, its only a body part, its not a life.
3:45am- call from surgeon, the thumb could not be saved. Not sure why I didn’t spend all those hours not sleeping googling roper’s thumb because there are host of great articles about this injury. So if this ever happens to you, google and research, it will help you feel a lot better about the ordeal.
4:00am- cry it out
5:00am- get up, start dealing with this shit

-Friday-
Cowboy stays the following day/night for antibiotics and pain medicine and literally that’s it. That joint in Denver is BUSY. When you have an easy going, unpretentious, non-demanding cowboy patient just know they are generally going to be triaged DOWN the hierchy order for the nurses. They know cowboys can handle their shit. So if you’re going to marry a cowboy. Get ready to use your steel balls and get the shit he needs when he won’t ask for it. Like pain pills, if your cowboy is like my Cowboy, he’s going to need to dosage given to a horse, and you’re going to have to fight like hell to squeak that shit out of the hospital staff.

-Miday- I go to town, back to the whose truck is better competition, I’ll concede and get HIS truck ready for the roundtrip to Denver… because I’m nice like that, of course I would rather spend 8 hours straight in my GMC yacht but I’m married to a cowboy, I know what he likes and this is one of those times you suck it up and let the discomfort of his fancy seats reside in your steel balls. Also, his truck is technically way nicer than mine. But that’s not the point.

Saturday
6am- Leave house, proceed to perform a live concert for 4 hours. Singing your lungs out is quite therapeutic.

8:00am- talk to the Cowboy’s twin sister, my sister in law. We have a good laugh, kinda, one of those what else can you say about the situation so let’s laugh. I say, “SO YOU WANT TO MARRY A COWBOY?!” to I don’t know who, any young gal making some life plans. SIL laughs her ass off and says, “I would never have married a cowboy!”. I laughed, she laughed, the new Dodge dually laughed… hell that damn truck was probably emailing Cowboy as we speak to inform him someone driving his truck was also talking shit about him. It’s smart like that, and rude… that is another post for another day, Smart Trucks… yes. Stay tuned!

10:30- Here is the Cowboy
Take a left handed selfie and we are back on the road home.

12:00pm- Chatting about whatever, I mention how the SIL and I shared a good laugh about “SO YOU WANT TO MARRY A COWBOY” and Cowboy said, “you should write a book!”. He laughed, I laughed, the dually laughed and took notes for a future email.

And here we are. Okay you’re right, this isn’t a book. But you know, a book seemed a little, idk what, presumptuous that anyone would actually want to read what I write, let alone buy it? I like to share our stories, but you don’t have pay to hear me talk… I mean if you wanted to that’s cool too… I have a lot of fancy things I need to buy. So a blog it is, if it worked for the Pioneer Woman surely it will work for the Tiger Queen who married a Cowboy 😉.



Running with friends 🏃‍♀️🐕🐐🐐🐂

Because they come with me. And I like it.

Also, let’s try this, because why not?

There is always so much to do. Ordinarily I don't like to procrastinate- but when a good idea comes to mind, sometimes it's hard not to act on it…

Like making your cow baby-tweenager wear a saddle.

Which he greatly appreciated. Naturally.

End goal- be that lady at your hometown event with a giant horned saddled steer charging you $20 to take a picture riding it. That's me. He's going to make me money. That's our economic viability plan. You've got to have those when dealing with husbands who constantly ask annoying questions like, "why do you need a pet steer?" And "when are you going to turn him out with the others?"

Psh. This avenue of life has much better prospects for him besides getting roped and hamburgered. Just saying. So long as he always stays my sweet little cow-boy. 🙂

It’s been a while. Let’s try this again. But with goats.

Whilst working in the office I heard the sweet pitter-patter of little… wait, what is that?! Ahhhh the sweet pitter-patter of little CLOVEN feet. And one bigger set of cloves. *New house goals: keep all doors closed. It's like we were raised in a barn or something.

Jason Bourne gets stuck on the roof

After about 32 hours up there he remembered he is a cat… A trained assassin spy cat, on a single story roof- so he came down. Very anticlimactic.

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